My Week

So, I suppose it's been awhile. Actually, it's probably the case that it hasn't been too long at all but my perception is that it has been. Quite a lot has happened in these recent days or week...s?
First thing's first. I was starting to really lose my sanity so I decided to take a trip to Idaho to visit my aunt and cousins - and to meet my new second cousin, Bentley. I don't have the slightest clue what's going to happen with that boy's life but he's the first male in my family since my brother was born... sadly, though, he's not even blood (or marriage) related so I'm not all that certain if that even counts. I suppose my brother still maintains the role of being last born as far as gender goes. haha to him
Anyway, the kid's alright. Not that cute in my opinion but then, I never liked baby humans all that much in the first place. It was interesting hearing about the gossip and drama that is over on that end in regards to my family though. A lot's happened, I guess, but none of it really affects me or has anything at all to do with me anyway so it's not my business to write about it here. Besides that, it's nothing tragic, all the dramatic, or gloriously ecstatic anyway.
As I was boarding the train, I was thinking to myself: I can't believe I'm doing this NOW, just before Ally leaves for Korea. But then, I was realizing that, hey, now was the best time to be going for it opened up my schedule for my next plan. Needless to say, I was okay with it ultimately. But... the train ride was... well, how shall I put this? Factually: The seats were comfy, the ride smooth and rapid, and I enjoyed the overall comfort and niceties, not to mention the funny 4 or 5 year old boy who was sitting behind me with his mom - they provided entertainment.
But things were different on the internal scale. I had my headphones in, pen in hand, and was scribbling away at a story and that was great. I was at peace and really... almost happy. Yet, there were those moments when my hand just grew too tired to continue and I had to take brief breaks or maybe the song that was playing didn't fit my story's mood so I would pause to change it... things like that. Every time I paused in the writing, mental chaos ensued. Thoughts of loved ones and meanings in life almost overwhelmed me at times. For much of the trip to Idaho (all 21 hours of it that I was not asleep for or writing) was filled with me wondering if there even is a reason to it all. Honestly, I couldn't think that there might possibly be one. By the time I reached Spokane a bit after midnight and I was too exhausted to do much of anything except sleep on a bench in the bus station, I had come to the conclusion that life is meaningless.
Around 6:45am, the bus going from Spokane to Moscow, ID arrived and I felt some hope in the new dawn. Well, perhaps not hope, but certainly not the despair. My aunt met me at 9am and we chatted. Later, we surprised my cousins (Ashley was unbelievably happy to see me - she nearly cried and gave me several hugs; to be frank, I was quite happy to hug her back) at their school during the lunch time. The visit was somewhat brief, lasting just from Tuesday morning to Friday around 6:45am, so just three days. But during that time, we went shopping, hung out, talked, went to a casino for my first time (slot machines only though, sadly, so no card tables for me to play), drank lots of teas, had good dinners, dealt with drama between the little cousins (Stacy 7, Ashley 9), etc. All in all, it was fun.
I had a chat with this gal who works with Ash and Stacy due to their behavioral issues. I forget her title but she's the kind of person that helps people learn how to behave properly in a social setting. I guess there wasn't any epiphany reached through our conversation, but it did help me to remember that I can always volunteer to help out teenagers with certain home problems if I want to and I don't necessarily need to worry about getting a degree of any sort for that.
Anyway. There were some good conversations, good activities, and good food there in Potato Country. Moscow's a pretty nice place but, unfortunately, it isn't a place I could really live due to the set-up of it being mainly a college town and not a place for someone like me. It'd be nice to be able to visit my little cousins more often though, especially Ashley. Someday, I hope to have the freedom for that. In the meantime, as long as she doesn't forget me and we can strengthen our bond even a little bit at a time, I'll be okay with that. And if not... well, I guess that's what happens when time and distance separates people.
So, Friday morning and I was back to the bus (this time, bus) returning to Seattle (rather than Kelso). And the whole way, up til Leavenworth, I was wishing I was going the opposite direction. I was returning for a good reason - because I had plans with amazing friends and because I wanted to see Ally off (a lot of things would be for no reason at all if I didn't at least do that) - but there was such a burning desire to turn the bus around myself at times, just to be heading east, east, east. All the way to the ocean and maybe even beyond... but that could have been a good start.
But at least in Leavenworth, things started to improve just a smidgen. In Wenatchee, this guy about 50 or so got on the bus and sat next to me but we didn't speak at all. I just played sudoku on my phone and looked out the window at the trees and mountains, thinking, wondering what it was all about. At Leavenworth, I asked him some question - or maybe he asked me something. Now I suddenly don't remember. It's only been a day and yet I already forgot. Guess it's not so important how things start though sometimes.
Anyway, we struck up a conversation (which is really one of the major reasons to travel, isn't it? To meet interesting new people, as well as see new sites?) about sailing, traveling, and the military, as well as life decisions. He was a rather interesting guy and I'm glad to have met him. It isn't every day you meet a self-sufficient skipper who likes to sail to Mexico for a year and chill out just because. He said he worked for the navy for eight years, switched to the State of California and retired via them. Then, he participated in a sailing competition through either Seattle or Cali (see, I've forgotten that as well), told me about the funny story of his three incompetent crew members for the competition (I guess he kicked them out in Alaska, which I find rather hilarious, considering they were more or less destroying his boat with their lack of skill), and then went around in the ocean taking in the sites. It was cool, hearing about his temporary pet Bob, the hermit crab, even more temporary bird which he rescued from the middle of the ocean, and his chihuaha that was stolen in Mexico somewhere. He gave me some good information and things to research in my spare time, which I appreciated. He also made me seriously wonder if maybe I should join the navy.
Before, about a year or so ago, I went to a recruiter and discussed the military as an option. I took a brief test online (maybe it was a sample of the ASVAB?) and scored high. The recruiter said I should apply as an officer, so long as I can pass the fitness test part of it (something I'd probably do well to work on). At the time though, a lot of things were different and I still wanted to try teaching overseas and I really didn't want to get sent overseas to Iraq or wherever.
Now, things are a bit different. I've done the overseas thing (Korean-style, anyway) and gotten that experience under my belt. As far as Iraq goes, no I don't particularly want to go there but... sometimes I feel almost like there's a bit of a recklessness in me lately. Since I haven't really got a solid grasp on the meaning of my life right now, I feel like I just want to leap into something and see where it takes me. Maybe it'd end up being a crazy mess that would completely cause everything to change but then... isn't that more or less where I'm at now? The only thing missing is a change for myself. Maybe the navy is just what I'm looking for or maybe this trip I'm going to take to the East Coast is what I need or maybe, even, I will get the chance to go sailing and something about being on the water will really click with me and I'll start to understand that piece that's missing in my understanding of Luffy. Maybe?
Anyway, that's much of what's been going on lately. Changes happening left and right with me feeling like I really need to just jump in and become one of those things that is changing. I can't get left behind in that regard. Friends are going off doing different things that will help define them in their lives and I'm attempting to do the same thing. Just waiting for my epiphany. Maybe all I can do is take another breather away from everything and just meditate on my own thoughts for a bit. Also, write. Since that's the only surefire way to find peace these days, I have little other choice... or maybe no other choice, but to do that.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with my sister before she leaves the country and then I'm going to do something drastic for myself as well.

Lost Loves

Lost, utterly lost. Two lovely pieces I worked so hard on... for so long... just lost in an instant. How can I even begin to rewrite them? Both were so beautiful, so perfect, albeit unfinished. And now... they're just infinitely gone. How can I have the time to write them? Does this life leave time for anything at all? Sometimes I wonder that.
It seems like we spend our lives in a race. Fall behind and you'll have a hard time catching up, though some people find their second wind later on the track. I can just see it now. In my life, I think we're all more or less in the same line-up, nobody really too far ahead in first or too far behind in last. And of course, it all is dependent on how you feel, on what you feel dictates your placement in the ceaseless marathon.
Me? I think it's a constant struggle and I just simply want the hell out. I want to follow no race. I don't even really like running that much. Even if I did in the literal sense, how could I possibly pretend to in the figurative? Let's just race around the track, from birth to death - this rather than start to finish, as they're really the same thing. And along the way? Let's lose things and people we care deeply for. Oh, and let's run ever faster as we progress. Let's try not to run out of breath.
My two unfinished stories, for instance. Just rewrite them! they say. Yes, sure. I'll just try to recreate the precise feelings and thoughts I was having at the times I was writing them and hope the words I create on that blank page do the originals justice. While I'm at it, why don't I simply draw another hand of cards for my life?
My life is great. There's really very little to complain about, surely. Yet, the heartache could go. The indecision and the confusion and worry. They could go, too. Right along with that trail we're all running along.
What I would love is to be able to simply slow to a walk with the knowledge that I'll still be as successful in my life as I want to be, maybe even more. Is that possible, really? I mean, half the time, I want nothing more than to get off the track and go live a peaceful life with no thoughts about the outside world. Yet, if I go there, won't my careful shell someday crack and I wonder at all the things I've missed out on, at how far behind I've gotten? Too far to ever even dream of catching up with everyone else currently in my life.
So, maybe I'll meet new people and we can chill out in the same area, not worrying about going forward at such a rapid pace and in the same way. Oh, I still have my dreams and I still fully intend... nay, I am going to follow them. Yet, what's the best way of doing that? Should I keep going on this path, the one that seems so much easier, go back to school, bide some time til the economy improves, get a high-paying job... and who knows what after that. With any luck, accomplish my dreams in the meanwhile.
Or should I leave this path and change utterly? What could be such a drastic change for me? For all that there seem to be so many choices, at times like this, they all seem so limited, boring, and unoriginal. What's so thrilling about living the same exact life as every other person I know?

101

Well, it’s been a long while. People often ask me: Why don’t you write a blog? I’ve always thought to myself, writing a blog is like keeping six pet penguins in your house and trying to become accustomed to living with them. Introduce them to your family? Check. Build an indoor ice land in your living room? Double check. Have to deal with the authorities banging down your door for your indiscretions? Triple… well, you get the point.
This is my first post, and hopefully not my last. You see, the similarities between writing a blog and keeping penguins may not include feathers and beaks, but it does include the mess that is involved, the constant chaos… with an added dose of time consumption to boot. And yet…
Holly Lisle recently published that she was going to quit teaching as soon as she feasibly can. She said, with Steve Jobs of Apple’s death, it’s given her a chance to really look at herself and her own life. I suppose many people admired Mr. Jobs for creating something so amazing and beneficial to the world as a whole. The Apple brand has become such a massive icon in many societies, from America to Korea, to Europe, and probably beyond.
Mrs. Lisle said that she admired Mr. Jobs for having invented something solely for himself and living his life with it til the very end. Mr. Jobs himself once said:
“Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” He also said, “We don’t get a chance to do that many things, and every one should be really excellent. Because this is our life. Life is brief, and then you die, you know? And we’ve all chosen to do this with our lives. So it better be damn good. It better be worth it.”
Well, I was thinking about these two quotes and they really inspired me, much as they might have Mrs. Lisle, because Mr. Jobs just did what he really was passionate about. He didn’t give up, didn’t worry about what others thought. He just invented what he wanted to, lived life how he would, and died happy (I hope, and it seems anyway).
So, that’s what I want to do, too. Since I was just learning to write, I was already telling stories about little girls and talking animals and their adventures – picnics and travels and friendships. The stories may have become more sophisticated and detailed since then, but the desire to write and relay them hasn’t ever faded.
A difference between Mr. Jobs and myself is that, well, I have often very nearly given up on my dream to be a writer. I’ve taken long periods of time without writing at all these past six years. Yet, I’m starting to believe again that, if I were not meant to do this, my stories would end and I would quit with this desire. The passion would drain away… and so would a childhood of wasted dreams and words.
Here I am, world. Let’s see where this takes me and let’s see who I meet along the way.