Lost, utterly lost. Two lovely pieces I worked so hard on... for so long... just lost in an instant. How can I even begin to rewrite them? Both were so beautiful, so perfect, albeit unfinished. And now... they're just infinitely gone. How can I have the time to write them? Does this life leave time for anything at all? Sometimes I wonder that.
It seems like we spend our lives in a race. Fall behind and you'll have a hard time catching up, though some people find their second wind later on the track. I can just see it now. In my life, I think we're all more or less in the same line-up, nobody really too far ahead in first or too far behind in last. And of course, it all is dependent on how you feel, on what you feel dictates your placement in the ceaseless marathon.
Me? I think it's a constant struggle and I just simply want the hell out. I want to follow no race. I don't even really like running that much. Even if I did in the literal sense, how could I possibly pretend to in the figurative? Let's just race around the track, from birth to death - this rather than start to finish, as they're really the same thing. And along the way? Let's lose things and people we care deeply for. Oh, and let's run ever faster as we progress. Let's try not to run out of breath.
My two unfinished stories, for instance. Just rewrite them! they say. Yes, sure. I'll just try to recreate the precise feelings and thoughts I was having at the times I was writing them and hope the words I create on that blank page do the originals justice. While I'm at it, why don't I simply draw another hand of cards for my life?
My life is great. There's really very little to complain about, surely. Yet, the heartache could go. The indecision and the confusion and worry. They could go, too. Right along with that trail we're all running along.
What I would love is to be able to simply slow to a walk with the knowledge that I'll still be as successful in my life as I want to be, maybe even more. Is that possible, really? I mean, half the time, I want nothing more than to get off the track and go live a peaceful life with no thoughts about the outside world. Yet, if I go there, won't my careful shell someday crack and I wonder at all the things I've missed out on, at how far behind I've gotten? Too far to ever even dream of catching up with everyone else currently in my life.
So, maybe I'll meet new people and we can chill out in the same area, not worrying about going forward at such a rapid pace and in the same way. Oh, I still have my dreams and I still fully intend... nay, I am going to follow them. Yet, what's the best way of doing that? Should I keep going on this path, the one that seems so much easier, go back to school, bide some time til the economy improves, get a high-paying job... and who knows what after that. With any luck, accomplish my dreams in the meanwhile.
Or should I leave this path and change utterly? What could be such a drastic change for me? For all that there seem to be so many choices, at times like this, they all seem so limited, boring, and unoriginal. What's so thrilling about living the same exact life as every other person I know?
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